conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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