Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
