it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
