he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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