I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
