I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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