I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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