so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
