I CAN MOONWALK!
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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