No awkward lesbian experiences without me
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
