glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
