I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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