Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
