I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
