considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize