Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
