i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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