if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
