My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
