He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
