Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
