You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
