I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
