his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
