worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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