i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
