Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
