just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
