When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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