Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
