It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
