i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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