I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Houston, we have a blender
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
