census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
