I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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