She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
