what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize