um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
