then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
