She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
