Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
