i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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