So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
