operation harelip BJ is a go
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
