Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
It was confusing and full of hummus
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
