all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize