why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
