I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
