your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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