Sober January is a disaster.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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