So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
