It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
