Dual....:-)
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
