I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just invented taco cereal.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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