made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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