GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Let's paint friendship bongs
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
dude. I can hear the air.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
