he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
